Why?

How?

Where?

When?

Wonderment was found in the smallest things early in your life. The first time you saw a lake or ocean, you wanted to know how the waves came to meet your feet, or when you watched the sun set, you couldn’t help but wonder where that brilliant ball of orange disappeared to. Simple questions filled your life.

Then adolescence or the teenage years comes barreling into your life like a freight train. All of a sudden, the questions you ask yourself shift. Your mind starts going through this immense reshaping where reward systems in the brain turn into dopamine casinos, craving highs and impacting your decisions. Rejection affects the brain in equal measure to physical pain. Your curiosity fades into fear, and now most of the questions you ask revolve around the concept of who.

“Who loves me?”

“Who do I belong with?”

“Who should I look like?”

“Who cares about what I think?”

“Who should I act like?”

“Who is better than me?”

“Who am I?”

These questions take a whole different form.  You find that you throw aside the pieces of yourself that you loved most, in pursuit of acceptance from others. You sacrifice curiosity for scrutiny. However, what would we gain if we remained on the path of curiosity? How would our lives improve if we asked better questions?

What do I value?

Values shape our decisions and prioritize our time. If we do not value education we will decide to not spend time on studying. If we do not value friendships we will choose to isolate ourselves or sabotage relationships. Examining our values should be a practice we reflect upon throughout our lives because it will continue to shed light on why we do what we do and how we give our energy to this world. These reflections help us balance our priorities so that we can feel fulfilled in every facet of our lives.

What brings me joy?

Joy is different from happiness. Happiness is a fleeting moment that quickly subsides. Joy is a burning ember of contentment that is filled with gratitude and love. To answer this question you must ask yourself perhaps a more important question: What are my strengths? Find your strengths, passions, and interests and dig in. Use your gifts to serve others in ways that suit your personality. Some kids are outgoing and enjoy meeting and working alongside others. Others are more comfortable with a few peers who share their interests. Whatever lights you up and causes you to lose yourself in time is where your joy can be found.

What can I control?

Here is something I tell teens every single day when they are upset. You are strong enough to accept the present moment! You do not need to avoid it, make excuses, or protect yourself by attacking others. You are strong enough to be wrong. You are strong enough to recover from mistakes. But when confronted with challenges, we all must start by asking ourselves: What can I control? Are you trying to control the right things, or are you caught in the trap of attempting to control others’ opinions, actions, and feelings? Are you trying to control outcomes, or are you focused on controlling your behavior, choices, and actions? Believe it or not, you can control what you choose to think about and what you think about yourself. It just takes practice, consistency, and grace.

How do I set boundaries?

During your teenage and young adult years, it can be uncomfortable to disagree or set limits on those in your life. You don’t want friends or family to be mad at you. You are worried about being judged for going against the wants of others. However, protecting your values and beliefs requires self-respect and healthy boundaries. Do this by assessing what you need to uphold the character traits you are committed to possessing. This may mean asking for time away from a friend, choosing not to participate in social functions that are not in alignment with your values, or asking for a friend or family member to be mindful of their words and actions with you. You can be direct and kind at the same time. Remember, we get what we tolerate; not all relationships are worth maintaining!

Where and how do I find peace?

The noise in this world is not going away any time soon. From the rushing thoughts to the constant social media chatter, you will need to protect your peace. Know what activities or practices quiet your mind. A little public service announcement before continuing: scrolling TikToks is not protecting your peace. It is distracting you from being present while creating dopamine feeds in your brain that impact your stress levels, self-control, and ability to attend. Instead of the phone, spend time with a loved one, sing at the top of your lungs, color a picture, go for a walk, read a book, journal, bake a batch of cookies, meditate, or pray. Do anything that creates a shift in your thinking. Move and make. Move your body and make something out of your time.

Five simple questions… can they make that big of a difference? Remember, your answers will only be as meaningful as the questions you ask. Give yourself permission to really answer them with honesty and clarity. Change your questions, change your answers, change your life.